So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
