Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
