Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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