11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
