No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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