he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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