If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
