Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
