The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
