He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
