k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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