god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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