I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
