Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
