is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
