my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
