She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
