he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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