sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
