why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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