get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
