The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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