i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
