It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
