i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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