I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I want a musical about memes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
