I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
