Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
