my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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