That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
