I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
