Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
