I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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