I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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