Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
