Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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