I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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