chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
