Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
