I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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