I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Come see our sink grown plant.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
