I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
