He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
