I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need to calm my uterus...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
