Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
