you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
