I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
