Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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