I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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