im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
