we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
