Someone shit on the floor
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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