my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
