All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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