I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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